Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Memory Fails Me

Sometimes it breaks my heart how bad my memory can be.
There are things I want permanently burned on my brain.
Important things, beautiful things, formative things.

Yet I still forget.
No matter how much I want to remember, sometimes I can't.
I am so thankful for photos.
And for the things that are written down.

I am especially thankful for the role of film
that my sister took on the day Gabriel was born.
I am so grateful to have those photos.

I don't know if I will ever,
no matter how faulty my memory may get,
forget that day he was born.
But, sometimes when I think back to that day,
my mind's eye cannot recall his face.
And it breaks my heart.

I remember the first time I couldn't bring his face to memory.
I was afraid I was already forgetting him.
It felt awful.

My memory fails me.
I needed to look back at the photos to see him again.

What if I didn't have a picture?
That would be heart breaking.
I am glad I don't have that sorrow.

father & son

Don't forget to remember to record your memories.
You may forget sooner than you thought.

In memory of my firstborn, I want to tell you all about a ministry -
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.
Professional photographers gifting families
with beautiful photos of their terminally sick little one.

Jeanett over at Life Rearranged is hosting a blog series
about miscarriage & infant loss right now.
Throughout the series, she is fundraising for
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.
The goal of $1,000 has almost been reached.
Maybe it can raised by the end of this week?
If you head over there, you can click on the
"chip in" button on the right sidebar to take part.


erksmom said...

oh my goodness, the picture of Scott holding Gabriel's hand is completely priceless. I love it. What a beautiful keepsake for you guys.
After we lost Micah, I wondered if I should keep the journal I had started for him... not sure if it would be me clinging to a soul that has already gone to Heaven. I don't plan to write in it TO him, but I did write a final page, more like a prayer, just thanking God for giving him to us for even a short time. Jason asked me to keep the journal. He said he knows I'll be sad if I don't and he'd like to always have it. Plus our girls may want/need it someday. Who knows.
I love that you have the pictures. Because you're so right! We do forget the details and memories and the feelings we had.

Leah said...

Erin and Scott, I will never, ever forget Gabriel. The faith of both of you through that time, and the opportunity to be there at his birth are some of the most impactful things in my life. Both profoundly changed me, by the grace of God.
Love you both!

Mishka said...

I carried around an ultrasound picture of my "peanut" (there was no heartbeat), I still have it and am so thankful that I could pray over that picture. I am so thankful that you have those picture, what a beautiful little life, I can't imagine. That is an awesome testimony, thank you for sharing.

Melissa Joy said...

One of my friends is one of these photographers. It's one of the hardest and most beautiful things she does in remembrance of her own daughter that she lost far too soon.
I too am thankful for pictures of my babies. Pictures of grandparents. Even pictures of events. I have a terrible memory, and the gift of photography is just an incredible blessing. Thank you, Lord, for giving us this gift!

Nicola S. said...

Oh Erin. What a beautiful picture. Tears are flowing down my face and I wish I could be there to get one of your hugs. I love you, Erin. Miss you so much.

Stephanie said...

What a lovely tribute to your son, Erin.

Also - I'm so glad that you mentioned Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (such an important organization in a time of indescribable sorrow).

Erin said...

@ Stef - I am SO glad you have the journal as a recording of Micah's life. What a gift!
@ Leah - Thank you Sister. (love you!)
@ Mishka - Thank you for your kind words! I am thankful you have a photo of your little one, too!
@ MelissaJoy - A precious, precious gift. Yes! What a great gift your friend gives to many. Praise God!
@ Nicola - Hugs to you friend! (I still remember your visit to us that week after Gaby died. Love you!)
@ Stephanie - I hadn't known about NILMDTS until reading about it at Life Rearranged. What a great ministry it is!

Quinn said...

It's only been nearly a year for us and my heart breaks when I seem to not be able to pull Graham's face from my memory. We took tons of pictures, and I did set up for NILMDTS to come and take some photos and they are priceless. I would be lost if it were not for all the photos.