Living & Moving "I Love You"

"I love you."  We say it to each other all the time, he and I.

It's true.  We do love each other.
But for the "I love you" to stay real and vibrant,
we have to recognize that those 3 little words are not simple.
They are all living & moving.

As Scott & I clean the kitchen together this week,
(only really a partial clean, people.  rarely is it all the way cleaned.)
he wonders aloud to me,
Does a man fall out of love with his wife, because he only sees her as "wife" or "mother"?
I say, I can see how that could be.  That may, very well, be true.
Couples get bored, because they think they have fully drawn of that well.

But can it ever be done?
Which of us can ever know another person all the way?

This had me thinking.
How easy it is to think we know someone as well as we possibly can know them.
We think "I get you."
But even as I look into his eyes and know well what he is thinking,
there is still more.  There is more that I don't know.  More for me to learn.
Mystery will always remain, even as we grow more in our unity in openness and honesty.
We will never plumb the depths.

As we love each other,
we have the privilege and the responsibility to learn of the other.
For the love to stay, strong and true, we engage in actively seeking each other.
Who are you?  What are your passions and dreams, struggles and pains?
It's about learning that my husband cannot be defined by any
personality quiz, gender study, love language,
career, family background, church denomination...
I know my husband better than I know anyone else,
and better than anyone else knows him.
But, the day I think I can draw up a precise definition of him,
that is the day I am failing to seek to know him well.
On that day, my "I love you" will fall far short.

I will not confine the love of my life to a narrow definition.
In loving him,
I will remember that he is one who is living and moving and changing,
therefore my love has to be the same.
I will never know the fullness of who he is.
May I never tire of learning of his every facet.


"I will love with urgency, but not with haste." -Mumford & Sons
Just because I listen to them all the time these days.  

First Lessons in Parenting

8 years ago today was a day that I don't think I will ever forget.
It was the day we went in to have our first ultrasound,
to check on the well being of our first baby.

I was nervous that day.  I had been having a large amount of blood loss.
We were trying to find out why.
The worst case scenario I had in my mind was
Placenta Previa and a necessary C-section.
It turned out that Placenta Previa would've been great news,
compared to what we got.
The tech told us our baby had something called Anencephaly.
We'd never heard of it.  What did it mean?
It meant that being born would turn out to be fatal for our baby.
He would not be able to survive for very long, once outside of my womb.

On February 6th, we found out that we would see our baby die, and soon.
We only had a few months of being able to parent Gabriel.
But we learned some life changing lessons in parenting
(and about love in general).

We loved our son.
But we also knew that our love would not change the course of his life.
Our love, as parents to child, was not about him making us proud.
Our love for him would not take away the hard stuff.
Our love for him would not make him into a better person.

Our love could only be about giving;
Genuinely giving all we had.

Sometimes we as parents, (spouses, friends, whatever),
get our actions of loved mixed up with actions of control.

We tell ourselves if we love them enough, then they'll love us enough.
If we love them enough, their life will be free from hardship.
If we love them enough, they will make all the right choices.

But not really...

Love is about giving.  It is not about results.
Love is powerful.  Don't get me wrong.
But the power of love is something we don't have much control over ourselves.
As soon as we start controlling with it, and trying to accomplish our will with it,
we aren't actually giving our heart in love anymore.

This lesson in parenting that our firstborn helped to teach us
is a key foundation for adoption.
Are we nervous about being the right parents for this child
who is currently a stranger to us?
Yes, if we're honest, we are.
Are we worried that he might have "problems"?
Are we nervous about the way he will "turn out"?
No, not really.
Not because we think he will be problem-free, and we are sure he will "turn out" well.
It's because being a parent is not about controlling the child and the end results.
But being a good parent is a lot about loving your child well.

Loving well is about giving, and not controlling what is done with that love.
Just love all the way.  Give it with joy.  We don't know what that love will accomplish.

This song, "All of Me" always reminds me of Gabriel.
Matt Hammit wrote this song when he & his wife were given a diagnosis
for their baby (still in the womb) that could be fatal.
I think the message can apply to a lot.
It's about loving all the way,
even though there is nothing sure about what the love will accomplish.

How to Help a Couple after Infant Loss

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. 

Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.”

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 

Happy to be pregnant with Gabriel - spring 2005

We look at each other.  Tired eyes.

Tremendous love and sorrow mingling together.

We both somehow know it is time.  

We ring for the nurse & hand over our baby,

knowing we will never touch him again.

Good bye, little baby boy.

We leave the labor & delivery wing of the hospital,

no baby in our arms.

There is no need for a safety check on our infant seat.

We don't need any of the baby stuff we prepared.

All we needed was the baby casket.

Hello, outside, scary world....

Finish reading over here.
I was given the honor of writing a guest post for 
Stephanie Sheaffer at her blog Writing for Good.  
Will  you go over there & give her some comment love?

Passion and Guts

The question was posed to a group of couples -
"What did you do differently to care for each other,
back when you were first in love than you do now?"

(The question bothered me because it presupposes that you have fallen out of love over time.
Some people do.  But, I wish we wouldn't act like this is a given.)

Regardless of that, it is a valid question to pose -
"What kind of things keep the passion burning?"

Am I trying to hide my nervous giggles?

What comes to mind is guts.  It takes a lot of guts.
Love is risky.  Love requires us exposing ourselves.
It takes guts to put your heart on the line for someone else.

Going back to the early days for us,
Scott had to have a lot of guts to win my heart.
I put up a little wall and my body language screamed, "no!"
He still stood close by.
I trampled his courage down with a cold shoulder.

Then God started to open my eyes to who this guy really was.
And I started falling in love with him.
(And beating myself up for being such a jerk.)
Now it was my turn.
I had to humble myself and expose myself & my remorse.
Now I had to have the courage to take a posture of openness.
(Like what Ruth did with Boaz by laying at his feet, maybe?
I didn't do that one.  I did bring him cough drops when he was sick though...)

Again, Scott had to take a chance, hoping he had read the signs correctly.
This time in a bigger way.
He showed me all his cards and told me really how he felt about me.
He laid open his heart to me.

He could have walked away with more disappointments.
Nothing was sure in this.
Except the fact that we would not be in love now,
if there was no risk taken.

I wonder if for love to stay strong,
we have to accept the fact that it will require guts,
throughout the life of that love.
We've got to have the courage to expose ourselves to the other, again and again.
We have to be willing to risk being hurt or disappointed.

Maybe it is right to say we shouldn't get too comfortable in our marriages.
The very foundation of actively loving is moving out of our comfort, right?
Don't wait to love your spouse until it seems like it is totally safe.
Just throw yourself out there.  Get some guts.
Waiting for safety means your going to miss out on the passion.

What do you think?  Do you think this is off?

(I have to admit I am hesitant about hitting "publish".
I am not advocating subjecting ourselves to people who are proven
to be unsafe and abusive.)

The Well that is Full {draw your love here}

"Love you neighbor as yourself"

The command is simple.
There are only a few words and they are simple to understand.

But, the command is, oh so very hard.
I mean, really!  How ever could we come even close to living by that?!

The one who is different from me -
I just can't get the things they say and do.
The one who has hurt me, perhaps more than once.
The one who irritates me.
The one who acts superior to me.
How?  Love that one as myself?!

There is a well from which we can draw up love.
A love never ending.
If my cup is running dry,
it is because I have neglected the commandment that comes first -

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart 
and with all your soul 
and with all your mind and with all your strength"

Only when I love God first, can my cup be filled up to overflowing.
He is a well that does not run dry.

It is the paradox of loving others well - Love God first.

In loving God first, I am free to love others immeasurably more.

God is a good Father, who gives freely to His children all that we need.

If my love well has run dry, I know who to ask.

"When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, 

I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."

-C.S. Lewis

The Power of an Understanding Embrace

As we were finishing our dinner,

the children started asking me about the post dinner treat.

Had they eaten enough food, would they be getting the treat, what was the treat, etc.

One of the children had lost this privilege the day before, 

based on some repeated bad choices.

When I repeated the consequence, the wailing immediately began.  

"WHAT?!!  It's not fair!!"  Over and over again, screaming.

This was no surprise.  I expected this reaction.

The thing I didn't expect was the way I responded.

I took my child in my arms and said, 

"I know it is hard.  But, I cannot give you this privilege back."

My voice was soft and sympathetic.  My embrace was sincere.

My little one?  Calmed down.  The fight did not continue.

I was amazed.

My typical response would be a stern eye & a harsh tone saying, "well, I warned you!"

And the wailing and fighting would've continued.

Not this time.  Calm.  Listening.  This child felt understood.

I really shouldn't have been surprised by the power of a gentle answer.

I've know what Proverbs 15:1 says for 25 years.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"

Really sweet faces can turn away wrath, too.  I couldn't resist posting this one of Gillian from when she was 2.

Empathizing with Weakness {does not mean excusing sin]

So.  I read relationship advice on Yahoo! Shine sometimes.

I do.  

Like anytime I am looking at the news headlines & there is a relationship headline, 

I click on it.

Also?  My husband occasionally does this, too.

Yes.

Recently I was mucking about in the kitchen & he was browsing the online world.

He asked me if I wanted to know, finally, finally know -
the one key to lasting & happy marriages.

Yes.  Of course I did.  Read to me Yahoo! Shine, sweet darling.

Empathy, he declared.

And I was pleasantly surprised.  I think Yahoo! Shine got it pretty right on with this one.

We both agreed.  This was a job well done.

We all want to be understood and accepted, right? 

But, as Christians shouldn't we hate the sin, you ask?  

How can we have empathy for all that bad stuff we have to witness in our spouses?

And this applies to any relationship we are in, I would think.
Parent/child, friends, siblings, etc.

Empathy is the ability to understand.
That does not mean we have to excuse sin, though.

In order for our marriages to be pointing to God's glory, 

we should be encouraging one another in holiness.

We should be growing more like Jesus. 

Allow me to quote my current book love, "Just How Married Do You Want To Be?"

"Marry a person who isn't entertained by your sin.  

Marry someone who isn't fun to be with 

whenever you are indulging in your favorite way of being unlike Christ.  

Marry someone who likes you best when you are following God, 

and likes you least when you're not.  

Otherwise, it will be too easy to fall into the trap 

of conspiring in sin with the person you marry while yet telling yourself 

'we're so good for each other'"

By God's goodness, my husband & I are, most of the time,  this way to each other.

He planned us as a good match.  We do have opposite strengths & weaknesses.

Sometimes that can make it hard to empathize with the other's weakness.

How can it be done, if you don't really struggle with the same issues to the same extent?

I think we can empathize with the weakness of the one who is different from us, 

by being grateful for their strengths.

If you look at the complete personality of yourself, 

do you not see that your strengths & your weakness are connected?  

God gave me a personality, just for me.  

It is not more prone to sin or more prone toward greatness than any other personality.

In all the things He made me strong in, if I use those apart from His truth, 

then I will end up twisting those to sin & they are my weaknesses.

Example - a person whose great strength is a nurturing heart 

will have their weaknesses within this same sphere.  

The nurturing heart may turn into a controlling person 

apart from trusting the work of the Holy Spirit in others.

Or perhaps a guilt ridden person, apart from believing God's grace.

As the empathizing party, try looking at your spouse (child/friend/whomever) 

& see what great potential is underneath that weakness.

What is the "other side of the coin"?  

That stubbornness has potential for so much, under the power of Jesus.

That obnoxiousness could have another side
of someone being able to see reasons for joy in all things.

That attention-needy person has potential for strong connection.

When we are grateful for the strengths of the personality, 

we are better able to empathize with the weakness.

And when we show empathy, correction is better received by anyone.

Perhaps empathy is key to a happy, lasting marriage.

And, accountability is a key to a growing, holy marriage.

About the Web {It's God in You}

I Think We Should Do it Anyway - Sarah Bessey
"So stop asking whether or not anyone wants it or needs it, and simply do it because you were made to do it, because it makes you fully alive to do it, because you are working out what God has already worked in, because it matters."


It's Okay to Not be Enough - Amber Haines

" “My grace is sufficient for you.” When He says this, it’s the same as saying, “Don’t give me your excuses,” while simultaneously saying, “You’re not the one doing it anyway.”  I suddenly feel so free to shirk the pretense that I could possibly have anything together, and I’m learning that boasting in this weakness – it’s the gospel."

Living with a Heart Made New - Elizabeth Esther
"The moral man (and the immoral man) is put to death. The life that is hid with Christ in God is the new man. He is more than moral – he is good. He is no longer dead – he is alive. And it is for this man fully alive that Christ died."

Unrelated to the links, my weekend news is getting a fabulous new used bike.

The bike is from the 1960's, made in China, made for China.
I've been for 4 bike rides in two days.  I'm in love.

About the Web - Effective Stuff

About the web - things I've read & find though provoking & helpful.
What do you think?


Affective is Greater than Effective - B. Rooted
"An effective, well-running marriage routine is not a suitable stand in for tender love; 
neither is sound theology a replacement for deep devotion."  Ruth @ GraceLaced


On Effective Compassion
"Genuine love motivated to action is concerned about the consequence of its action."


On Effective Emotions
"Every day I meet men and women who work so hard at “keeping it together” for the eyes of those around them, rather than working at actually healing the inside."

Effective Education - Practical Pages

“Why would you, a qualified school teacher, homeschool your children?”

Eating Sunscreen - Wellness Mama

Effective Sun Exposure & Skin Health

with more interesting links on the subject, also...

Moira eats & wears coconut oil - a protection from UV rays

Schools for Zambia

 Join us to IMPACT lives in Zambia...   

    

"Hi.  My name is Richard.  I am in grade 7.  I stay with my sister, Josephine.  I have three brothers and two sisters.  My other sister attends Lifesong and is in grade 5.  Her name is Emelia.  My mother stays in a village far away.  My father died in 2006.  Thank you for supporting me and may God bless you and add more days to your life.  My favorite subject is art."

Richard is just ONE of the 253 students that we are blessed to serve at Lifesong Zambia.  He is also one of the students that will be moving on to grade 8 this fall.  

Without the construction of new classrooms, Richard may join the 95% of Zambian children that are not able to attend High School. 

Will you join us in impacting the lives of children like Richard?

To add to the excitement--thanks to a generous donor, all donations will be matched up to $225,000!!

  

To join the Impact Zambia 100 team, email info@lifesongfororphans.org!

When you email Lifesong, include my name (Erin Adams) as the place you heard.

They will enter me in a drawing for a trip to Orphan Summit VII. 

(Which I probably won't be able to attend anyway.  But, wishing 'n' hoping...)

Listen Up!

Holy lent season you guys!  I haven't been on this blog much lately, have I?
It hasn't been intentional. 
I guess I don't have many blogging thoughts, while operating on a beany brain.

And, I've been sewing ears.
Bunny ears.

This is what I am adding to the Spring bag giveaway. 

There will be at least two pairs of easter rabbit felt ears in the package for ya'll.

I'll post tomorrow what the actual ones look like.

You have until Sunday evening to enter into the drawing!

If you have donated to get an entry,

 & you also are a blog follower for an additional entry,

will you leave a comment telling me that you follow,

in case I miss you on the google follower list?

I'll be back by tomorrow!

Learning a Little about him

I am working to come up with some fundraiser ideas for our adoption fees.
But to start things off, we are doing a family fundsaver.

Now that we have a bed for future brother in the kid bunk room, the children ask about him often.

When is going to sleep there?  

When are you taking us to Grandma & Grandpa's so you can go see him?

Where will he sit at the dinner table?  Can I sit next to him?

What will his name be?

For our 40 days of Lent (first time, folks!  We have never given up anything for Lent.)

we are going to have an adoption fundsaver 

& a time of trying to learn a little bit more what little brother's meal time is like.

We are going to cut way back on the groceries.

I'll be honest, I am pretty nervous about this.

We are so spoiled with what we eat & drink. 

I've never really dieted or denied myself anything I wanted to eat.

I know, right?  Spoiled.

Our plan is no boxed cereal for breakfast.  Oatmeal instead.

No meat - mostly rice & beans & veggies.  

No candy, chocolate or goodies.

No alcohol.

We will save a lot of dollars, to save for adoption fees.

And hopefully we will learn a tiny bit what it is like to live with much less.

Does anyone have some good beans & rice recipes?

I found a few Ethiopian recipes I'll try- red lentils, chickpea wat &Injera.

We'll have pintos & spanish rice.

White beans & winter greens.

We'll have black beans & rice.

Veggie & barely soup.

Can anyone help us out with ideas?

For Ethiopian recipes, I bought this book 5 years ago 

& don't think I've ever made more than one thing from it.

Source: amazon.com via Erin on Pinterest

Now is the time to dive in.

Love is Easy, Love is Hard (a letter to my children)

Dear children,

You may have heard people say that marriage is hard.  
I've heard it a lot.  But, I think something else needs to be said.

Real love can be hard.  It is true.  
But, I think that choosing not to love is harder.
Love is hard & Love is easy.

How can that be? 
the thing about love is, it means getting off that comfortable seat where you may be sitting 
by yourself, & trying to let everything stay the same.
In order to love well, you need to think of others.  
You can't put yourself first.
Love is simple.  Love is considering the other.
And love is hard.  We want to look out for our own interests.

Love is easy, though.  
It turns out, sitting by yourself, in the corner, doing whatever you want,
is not all that lovely.
It is lonely.  Everything little thing that you do can seem lifeless.  
Complete drudgery.
Add another to the mix & pour on the love and things get a whole lot brighter.
Love makes things easier.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
Love is not easily angered.
Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things.

You remember the story of the giving tree?
He loved the boy so much, that even though the tree gave all of himself, it was easy.
From the outside looking in, people may look at you loving 
& say, "wow, how very hard that is!"
But to you, in the midst of acting in love it may be like the easiest thing in the world.

Shall I give an example?
When your Dad drops the bomb on me that it is necessary for him 
to work a bunch of extra hours in the next several days, 
the first thing I thought was how much I was bummed for myself.  
And I got a little miffed about it all.  And I sat silently pouting.
Was that easy?  Not really.  I had to be mad at him & be grumpy & all that.
When I (finally) stopped being irritated about it 
& started loving him well & caring about him, 
it all became a whole lot easier.

Do you want to know an easy love someday?  
Do this now - learn to put others first.
And someday when you are considering someone, 
with whom you may want to spend the rest of your life with, 
consider if that person is marked by selflessness.

You may find that love is easy. 

As seems true so often, 
Teresa of Calcutta said all this way better than I have just done, needing only a few words.
"I have found the paradox: 
If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

Of Value

I know it was sanctity of life Sunday on the 22nd & I am a little behind here.
But, let's talk about it.
I know the date for sanctity of life Sunday was chosen for the anniversary of Roe v. Wade.  
It may seem that it is just another day where the church talks out against abortion.
that is not it.  It is declaring the value of human life, in all stages.
It is about pro-preborn, pro-woman,
pro-elderly, pro-terminally ill, pro-orphan, pro-outcast, pro-uncool.
People are of high value because we are made in God's image.


What ways will you celebrate the sanctity of human life?

Source: Uploaded by user via Erin on Pinterest

Learn about International Justice Mission, 
fighting against slavery & more, all around the world.
Sign a petition letter to seek an end to slavery around the world.


Sign up at your local Pregnancy Resource Center to be a mentor.
It pretty much means that when a mom comes to the center 
& is need of a friend, they will call you.  Be her friend.  
Help her get through the rough patches ahead.


Make blessing bags to keep in your car to hand to the person 
on the street corner who has a sign saying they are hungry.
(Inspired by the Lettner Livin' children.)


Speak a kind word to those people you are with every day.  
Choose to build another up, rather than tear them down.


Bring flowers to your elderly neighbor & stay to visit for a while.


Reach out to the person at church who always seems to be alone.


Read this What I Want you to Know series.


Buy fair trade.  Did you know most chocolate you buy uses slave labor?
try the Akoma Chocolate Chips that Guittard is selling now.  fair trade certified!
(Here's a good looking choice for Valentine's Day!)


Oppose pornography.


Read Live Action.  (One of my "baby" brothers is a journalist for this group & I am very proud of him!)


Share your story.  tell others of the love of God & how much He values us.
Will you pray for me this week as I prepare to share my story of being Gabriel's mom?
A friend of mine is doing a film project called Children of God.  
He wants to give voice to stories telling the value of children; whether they be brilliant & changing the world, or perhaps terminally ill & changing their corner of a hospital.
Kids are blessings, they are of high value & they can make a huge impact.
I will tell our story of hope, even when it appears all hope is lost.
Even the shortest life can leave a deep impact.


I have thought of backing out of this project many times.  
I don't want to be filmed.  (I hate hearing my recorded voice.  Ugh.)
I know I will cry.  Probably a lot.
I am not sure I have all the right words.
But as much as I don't want to do it, much, much more than that, I know I should.
I feel a call on my heart to do this.
Pray that I will speak God's truth & love & healing & hope.
Filming is Saturday.