A Thousand Sharings

An excerpt from my current reading - 

“...we shall create a thousand strands, great and small,

that will link us together.

Then we shall be so close that it would be impossible

– unthinkable – for either of us to suppose

that we could recreate such closeness with anyone else. 

And our trust in each other will not only

be based on love and loyalty

but on the fact of a thousand sharings

– a thousand strains twisted into something unbreakable.”

The secret of enduring love from A Severe Mercy”

I love it.  I love the image.  

I love the reality of it, too.  

There is always something new to discover 

about your beloved and alongside your beloved.

A new strand to add into the thousands and thousands;

And the bond strengthens.

Me and Mo.  She's part of the strands that bind Scott and I

Nine Year Letter

Dear Scott,

Remember this?

Like it was yesterday, right?

Nine Years.  Nine years of being married to you.  This is something I love. 

 Nine years sort of seems like a long time.  But then, not really.
I hope this is just the dawn of our marriage.
I hope it goes on and on for many more years.  (60 or more?!)

Walking this life with you is a privilege and joy.
There are sometimes clouds in our skies, sometimes there is a lot of dirt.
We encounter rocks and weeds along our way.
There are also little wild flowers.  And cultivated ones, too.
Refreshing waters and soft grasses.

But the looking behind and ahead and in the right now, the view is really beautiful.

Things look lovely, standing here with you.  

Happy anniversary my love!

Your wife (Erin)




*First photo is our wedding.  Obviously.
Following photos are from our anniversary date,
Early morning hike at Wilder Ranch State Preserve Santa Cruz.
Then we had one of the best breakfasts ever at Cafe Brasil.
Brazilian food?  YUM.  I tried to do a Brazilian dinner tonight, in fond memory.
It did not compare.  I need to work on this.  But, I am not complaining.
It will be a fun work.
We bummed around the rest of our day, after breakfast,
shopping and walking and exploring more.
We bought the kids shark teeth and the Daddy told them a tale about Sharks at Wilder.
They were in awe.

Trust by Testing

I look at my blog analytic page every once and while.  There's not a ton of interesting stuff reported there.  Because really, I don't get much traffic here.  Most of the strangers coming  here are for the handful of preschool lessons I blogged about a couple years ago.  
Something that I do find interesting is that one of my Marriage Letters gets visits on a regular basis.  "I trust you because".  This post is visited via people doing a search on words like, "I trust you" or "trust and love".

Trust really is crucial to bonding.  Love grows in the context of trust.  I hear that people who have "trust issues" have a hard time in relationship.  This might be a partial truth.  But, I think this mostly has to do with the relationship.  Trust is learned, only in the context of relationship.  Relational trust cannot be learned by one person, unless there is another one whom they are learning to trust.  To trust is to Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone (or thing).

Since my marriage letter about trust continues to get hits, I've gone back to read it several times lately.  I think the summary of why I trust my husband so much would be, because when I have doubts, he allows me to probe into them.  He tells me and shows me why he can be found trustworthy.  My trust for him is not just because I am a hopeful, optimistic person.  I think my trust for him is more about him, than it is about me.  My trust for him has been building on years of testing.  

Yes.  Testing.  Not the sort of test that is pass or fail.  Not the sort of thing where I question my husband to try to put him in a hard spot.  And yet, sometimes the testing in our relationship of trust can be painful.  It can be confusing, as we both reach out to understand what the other one is trying to communicate.  When I find my husband to be trustworthy, that doesn't mean he always comes out looking perfect, either.  To the contrary, really.  We learn to trust each other more when we tell the truth, even and especially about our struggles and weaknesses.  Trust is built on honesty and truth, not on perfection.  But, as we keep bringing forth questions and doubts and the things we wonder about ("should I trust you here?") and the answers are honest, we can keep building up the confidence of our mutual love.  

Have you ever felt like you should not bother your husband with "too many emotions"?  Have you been told that there are certain questions that are just too silly, or too invasive to ask a husband?  Go over here and read this list of "5 questions you should never ask your husband".  Tell me, have you asked questions like this before?  What do you think?  Always bad and foolish to bring your worries and insecurities into the open, or can it be healing and productive?
Us?  We've discussed each questions extensively.  And not in an emotionless, I'm-just-curious sort of fashion.  Sometimes I cried, and sometimes he was frustrated, wondering why I questioned his integrity.  Trust is built on honesty, not on keeping the hard things out of conversations.  We trust the integrity of something, once it is tested and stills holds strong and true.
I don't see how this sort of hesitancy will keep your fears at bay, and it may rob your husband of being able to tell you more about what it thinks about such things.  You risk loosing out on a great trust test, if you are afraid to ask hard questions.  You will miss out on both of you being able to sharpen each other and grow through your different understanding of things.  

Our relationship of trust has been built upon many honest answers, many earnest efforts of vulnerability, many trials and testings.  So far, I keep finding more and more reasons to trust that I am married to a trustworthy man.  He says he finds me to be a woman whom he can trust, too.  May it only increase.

photo somewhat unrelated, but here is us at Fort Baker, San Francisco.

Living & Moving "I Love You"

"I love you."  We say it to each other all the time, he and I.

It's true.  We do love each other.
But for the "I love you" to stay real and vibrant,
we have to recognize that those 3 little words are not simple.
They are all living & moving.

As Scott & I clean the kitchen together this week,
(only really a partial clean, people.  rarely is it all the way cleaned.)
he wonders aloud to me,
Does a man fall out of love with his wife, because he only sees her as "wife" or "mother"?
I say, I can see how that could be.  That may, very well, be true.
Couples get bored, because they think they have fully drawn of that well.

But can it ever be done?
Which of us can ever know another person all the way?

This had me thinking.
How easy it is to think we know someone as well as we possibly can know them.
We think "I get you."
But even as I look into his eyes and know well what he is thinking,
there is still more.  There is more that I don't know.  More for me to learn.
Mystery will always remain, even as we grow more in our unity in openness and honesty.
We will never plumb the depths.

As we love each other,
we have the privilege and the responsibility to learn of the other.
For the love to stay, strong and true, we engage in actively seeking each other.
Who are you?  What are your passions and dreams, struggles and pains?
It's about learning that my husband cannot be defined by any
personality quiz, gender study, love language,
career, family background, church denomination...
I know my husband better than I know anyone else,
and better than anyone else knows him.
But, the day I think I can draw up a precise definition of him,
that is the day I am failing to seek to know him well.
On that day, my "I love you" will fall far short.

I will not confine the love of my life to a narrow definition.
In loving him,
I will remember that he is one who is living and moving and changing,
therefore my love has to be the same.
I will never know the fullness of who he is.
May I never tire of learning of his every facet.


"I will love with urgency, but not with haste." -Mumford & Sons
Just because I listen to them all the time these days.  

Meeting in the Middle

Source: etsy.com via Megan on Pinterest

Do you know the Diamond Rio song?

"I'd start walking your way 
You'd start walking mine 
We'd meet in the middle 
'Neath that old Georgia pine 
We'd gain a lot of ground 
'Cause we'd both give a little 
And there ain't no road to long 
When you meet in the middle "

I've always loved this song.

The story of finding the middle ground in the song is so sweet.

In real life?  I have spent a fair amount of time not liking that idea.

But, I am understanding that compromise can be a great gift.

Scott and I are a classic case of "opposites attract".

One tends toward clinginess, the other toward self-sufficiency. 
One of us, first response in a conflict is to fight.  The other's first response is flight.
One of an optimist, the other a pessimist.
One of us gets over involved in other people's lives, 
the other would rather not be involved at all.
Point being, we have conflict.

Conflict is okay.  It's not the bad guy.
Conflict can actually push us toward each other.

Conflict doesn't help join us together if we just run away from it.
It won't help if we always just concede and say, "fine have it your way!"
It won't help if we push and push for the other to completely agree with us.

The meeting in the middle?  That involves both parties reaching for the other.
Both speak with honest humility, and listen with the same.
We have to seek to understand the other, 
but know that even if we don't understand them, 
that doesn't mean their point of view is all wrong.
In the conflict, we can come to the middle ground of a healthy compromise.


"We'd gain a lot of ground 
'Cause we'd both give a little 
And there ain't no road to long 
When you meet in the middle "

Recently when we had conflict over an aspect of our opposite natures,
I had a simple realization, that hadn't really occurred to me in the past.
The place in between us, where we come to meet - 
I think that is the place where God wants us to be.
He made us two for oneness.

Passion and Guts

The question was posed to a group of couples -
"What did you do differently to care for each other,
back when you were first in love than you do now?"

(The question bothered me because it presupposes that you have fallen out of love over time.
Some people do.  But, I wish we wouldn't act like this is a given.)

Regardless of that, it is a valid question to pose -
"What kind of things keep the passion burning?"

Am I trying to hide my nervous giggles?

What comes to mind is guts.  It takes a lot of guts.
Love is risky.  Love requires us exposing ourselves.
It takes guts to put your heart on the line for someone else.

Going back to the early days for us,
Scott had to have a lot of guts to win my heart.
I put up a little wall and my body language screamed, "no!"
He still stood close by.
I trampled his courage down with a cold shoulder.

Then God started to open my eyes to who this guy really was.
And I started falling in love with him.
(And beating myself up for being such a jerk.)
Now it was my turn.
I had to humble myself and expose myself & my remorse.
Now I had to have the courage to take a posture of openness.
(Like what Ruth did with Boaz by laying at his feet, maybe?
I didn't do that one.  I did bring him cough drops when he was sick though...)

Again, Scott had to take a chance, hoping he had read the signs correctly.
This time in a bigger way.
He showed me all his cards and told me really how he felt about me.
He laid open his heart to me.

He could have walked away with more disappointments.
Nothing was sure in this.
Except the fact that we would not be in love now,
if there was no risk taken.

I wonder if for love to stay strong,
we have to accept the fact that it will require guts,
throughout the life of that love.
We've got to have the courage to expose ourselves to the other, again and again.
We have to be willing to risk being hurt or disappointed.

Maybe it is right to say we shouldn't get too comfortable in our marriages.
The very foundation of actively loving is moving out of our comfort, right?
Don't wait to love your spouse until it seems like it is totally safe.
Just throw yourself out there.  Get some guts.
Waiting for safety means your going to miss out on the passion.

What do you think?  Do you think this is off?

(I have to admit I am hesitant about hitting "publish".
I am not advocating subjecting ourselves to people who are proven
to be unsafe and abusive.)

Time Slips Away, Let's Be More Than Just Friends, Peace & Quiet is Healthy + more

About the Web  -
If you look at links I post on Facebook, these have mostly all been there.
A few are new.  All are thought provoking.


Why I Stopped Living Each Day as if it were My Last by Elizabeth Esther
"As adults, we know how to live in chaos. We know how to manage and juggle and try to keep everything from falling apart."

Identity.Crisis by Jami Nato
"under my bright sweater, i had a whole jacket full of little idols i worshipped."

Be Present  by Humble Beast
"Keep her by your side"

The Hardest, Greatest Lesson I've Learned in Marriage by Lauren Nicole
"i missed out on living life with another real person, because i thought i simply needed to learn how to live successfully with ‘a man.’"

The Trouble with "Just Friends" by Brian Kammerzelt
"Yet if we insist on our interactions being driven by modern dating practices and romantic qualifiers, we are choosing to needlessly segment the body of Christ and deny one another the familial unconditional love and support that each of us need and the world was meant to see."

The insane amount of cuteness here is hard for me to handle.  

The Well that is Full {draw your love here}

"Love you neighbor as yourself"

The command is simple.
There are only a few words and they are simple to understand.

But, the command is, oh so very hard.
I mean, really!  How ever could we come even close to living by that?!

The one who is different from me -
I just can't get the things they say and do.
The one who has hurt me, perhaps more than once.
The one who irritates me.
The one who acts superior to me.
How?  Love that one as myself?!

There is a well from which we can draw up love.
A love never ending.
If my cup is running dry,
it is because I have neglected the commandment that comes first -

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart 
and with all your soul 
and with all your mind and with all your strength"

Only when I love God first, can my cup be filled up to overflowing.
He is a well that does not run dry.

It is the paradox of loving others well - Love God first.

In loving God first, I am free to love others immeasurably more.

God is a good Father, who gives freely to His children all that we need.

If my love well has run dry, I know who to ask.

"When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, 

I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."

-C.S. Lewis

Sex and Duty and Bitterness

Have you heard the "Never Say No" rule?

This is often taught in Christian circles in regards to having sex in marriage.

The idea is, it is the duty of the spouse to meet all the sexual desires of their spouse.

I believe sex is a gift to marriage.  For man and wife.

Sometimes it seems people think it is just for the man.
The honest look at relationships seems to make many men and women
both believe that sex is the gift/burden for men.
Often we look at this assessment and say,
"We know that the wife is not that interested.
So, she should just do it out of duty to her husband.
She should act to meet his need."

May I wonder out loud with you all for a moment here?
I wonder if this policy for sex in marriage
can sometimes create more of a rift, than a connection?
Yes, give yourself as a gift, to your spouse.  But not grudgingly!

What if a couple has been applying the policy of sucking it up and having sex,
but, not abiding by, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath"?
(Remember this "policy" is in the Bible.)
What if there are unresolved issues.  Things that are festering.
Bitterness and hurt that is making the wife very uninterested in sex.
If they don't get them out and deal with that and break down the wall of bitterness,
then they will not know the healing, restorative power in their sexual union.
He will just think she doesn't like sex because
that's the way things supposedly are for a woman.
She will become more resentful, feel used
and the wall of bitterness between them gets thicker.

Source: Uploaded by user via Albert on Pinterest

That sexual union becomes just a physical act.
They cannot enjoy the connection, beauty & healing that should be there.
The wife is there in body, but not in spirit.
And, they can both see that she doesn't seem to like sex that much.

Live and love together in a way that your heart is ready to say "Yes!".
(Though, sometimes your body may still have to say "No.")

Do not accept a gift given grudgingly.
First seek to find out why there is no joy.
It will take work, humility, forgiveness and patience.
That's love!
The higher the wall is between you, the harder it will be to tear it down.

Don't leave a wall of bitterness in your marriage.
Don't let the sun go down on your wrath.
No matter how foolish you feel, be honest about the seed of bitterness.
Deal with it and root it out.
Come together in healing and forgiveness and praising God.
God loves a cheerful giver.

Let's Not Go Back

Dear Scott,

9 years ago I was falling in love.
We were sailing on a yacht in a tropical paradise.
We had less gray hairs, fitter frames, younger skin.
I was discovering how much I admired you.
We were learning that conversation was easy with each other.
It felt natural and it was satisfying.

In the months that followed we spent several evenings a week,
just kicking back with my sisters,
chumming around, playing cards & drinking tea.
We played tennis with my family on the weekends.
I wasn't any good.
(You don't really want to play tennis with me anymore.  I get it.)
Or what about the time you spent all day with me and my friend,
at a beekeeping workshop?
Those days were sweet.

We were talking on the phone & emailing each other
with increasing frequency.
I talked with my friends about you 
& how much I wanted something serious to happen
& was it safe to hope & would I just be brokenhearted?

Then you called me & told me that you that I was amazing.
You told me you'd never met a girl like me,
and you didn't want to let me get away.
And my head & heart were about to explode.
We drove around in your red Camaro that night
& were constantly amazed that this was real & we were in love.
There was so much to discover about each other.
So much to look forward to.
These days were good.

As much as I love remembering the days of our new love,
 let's not go back.
We've come so far.  We love each other more every day.
We tried to care for each other back then.
But, we didn't really know each other.
We were learning.
(And we are still learning.  Let's not ever stop learning.)

Source: bluepueblo.tumblr.com via Margaret on Pinterest

I don't want to go back, and I know you don't want to either.
What about this road we've journeyed?
All of the incredible joys, the deep sorrow, the sacrifices, 
the leaps of faith, the hopes, the fears?  
These have been part of binding us together.

Let's keep down this road, and not turn back.
Let's pile love upon love, as we face each twist & turn in this road.
God knows how to multiply His good gifts.
All the love is going to be pressed down, shaken together 
and running over, pouring into our laps.

Research

I haven't been blogging.  I haven't even been blog reading.

But, our life has still been going along really well, in spite of that.

Pretty much exactly a month ago, 

Scott & I got to go on a local getaway for our 8 year anniversary.

We are seriously grateful that we got to get out for a whole night & day.

It was sweet!

We went to the Dream Inn, which was super hip.

This was our morning view, off the balcony. 

No fog for us.  Evening or morning.

Our time was pretty much a research trip.  And super fun.

We researched each other & together.

Teachers in service day.  Is that what you call it?

I have also spent the last month being irritated & doing minimal research 

on this iphone photo issue.

We are hugging the elephant seal sculpture at Long Marine labs.

And, we took the photo on the iphone, in the vertical position. 

I uploaded it to my computer & it is on my computer in the vertical position.

I upload it onto blogger...  horizontal.

ARGH!  

I have given up.  

And I am postin them here to show you all that we are not smart enough for an iphone.

But, while at Long Marine, we studied up on all the ocean learning there, 

so we could bring our kids & teach them all we learned.  

We petted Swell Sharks, saw little baby ones wriggling around in their egg sacks,

watched quick moving Sunflower sea stars (they just keep growing more and more arms!).

These labs are small.  But, the signage is great & educational & 

the docents are very engaging as well.

{We brought them out 2 weeks later, 

after they were daily asking us when they could go and pet the sharks, too.}

sorry about the flash & the strong reflection.  hard to see, but this is the shark petting tank.

Back to our teacher's research day...
We took a birding walk, hunting for Black-Chinned Hummingbirds.
When we finally gave up on seeing the elusive hummingbird,
we did spot two hummingbirds above us.
But, they moved on too quickly for us to see what they looked like.
It was exciting nonetheless.  I had never thought I would go birding, prior to turning 65.
Now I have.  And, I liked it.  Mostly because of my birding partner.

We ended our outing with the Santa Cruz Food Tour.
People, this was SO fun.
I love good food.  And I like walks.
So, a walking food tour of downtown sounded great to me.
But, once the tour was underway we learned it was much more than that.
We got a really fun history lesson of the city.
We learned about the handsome Victorian homes of the 1800's;
about their builders & the home owners.
We learned about Mission Santa Cruz,
and visited the only original structure still standing.
We learned about the railway that came to downtown
(and how they had to stop outside of the downtown area
and hitch the train to a team of horses,
to take it all the way to the coast without disturbing the residents & merchants.)
Our tour guide was great.  And now we love Santa Cruz more.
We highly recommend this tour to locals and to visitors.

Exploring together was a blast.  We are grateful!

I love my work

If marriage is hard work, then I love working hard.

Today Scott & I have been married 8 years.

What a gift this work is.  I am so grateful!

When I hear someone talk about, in an exhausted tone, 

what hard work marriage is, I feel a bit bummed.

I've talked about love being hard before in a letter to my kids.

It can be accurate to say that marriage is hard work.

It is not a hobby.  It requires effort.

Marriage changes what you are.

And it does take work.

But marriage needs more public praise & celebration.

I want ya'll to know, that this is work I love.

It is easy working hard to love my husband.

He works hard to make it easy.

This is a sweet job.  It just keeps getting better.

I'm glad to stay in this work for the rest of our days.

This work makes me smile.

This song, Sharpened in Time, makes me say, "Yes!  That is it!"

Being your bride has let me see 
That I’ll teach you and you’ll teach me
In this life, Oh, I’m your iron
Sharpened in time
It’s so good to be with you

Cause we’ve got an easy kind of love

The kind that makes you say 

At the end of the day

It’s more than I deserve

It kinda makes you cry 

When you look back on your life and think

Oh, God is good, more than I deserve…

Not that it’s never been work, you see

But in this life some things will be

Worth the effort

You’re worth the effort

Empathizing with Weakness {does not mean excusing sin]

So.  I read relationship advice on Yahoo! Shine sometimes.

I do.  

Like anytime I am looking at the news headlines & there is a relationship headline, 

I click on it.

Also?  My husband occasionally does this, too.

Yes.

Recently I was mucking about in the kitchen & he was browsing the online world.

He asked me if I wanted to know, finally, finally know -
the one key to lasting & happy marriages.

Yes.  Of course I did.  Read to me Yahoo! Shine, sweet darling.

Empathy, he declared.

And I was pleasantly surprised.  I think Yahoo! Shine got it pretty right on with this one.

We both agreed.  This was a job well done.

We all want to be understood and accepted, right? 

But, as Christians shouldn't we hate the sin, you ask?  

How can we have empathy for all that bad stuff we have to witness in our spouses?

And this applies to any relationship we are in, I would think.
Parent/child, friends, siblings, etc.

Empathy is the ability to understand.
That does not mean we have to excuse sin, though.

In order for our marriages to be pointing to God's glory, 

we should be encouraging one another in holiness.

We should be growing more like Jesus. 

Allow me to quote my current book love, "Just How Married Do You Want To Be?"

"Marry a person who isn't entertained by your sin.  

Marry someone who isn't fun to be with 

whenever you are indulging in your favorite way of being unlike Christ.  

Marry someone who likes you best when you are following God, 

and likes you least when you're not.  

Otherwise, it will be too easy to fall into the trap 

of conspiring in sin with the person you marry while yet telling yourself 

'we're so good for each other'"

By God's goodness, my husband & I are, most of the time,  this way to each other.

He planned us as a good match.  We do have opposite strengths & weaknesses.

Sometimes that can make it hard to empathize with the other's weakness.

How can it be done, if you don't really struggle with the same issues to the same extent?

I think we can empathize with the weakness of the one who is different from us, 

by being grateful for their strengths.

If you look at the complete personality of yourself, 

do you not see that your strengths & your weakness are connected?  

God gave me a personality, just for me.  

It is not more prone to sin or more prone toward greatness than any other personality.

In all the things He made me strong in, if I use those apart from His truth, 

then I will end up twisting those to sin & they are my weaknesses.

Example - a person whose great strength is a nurturing heart 

will have their weaknesses within this same sphere.  

The nurturing heart may turn into a controlling person 

apart from trusting the work of the Holy Spirit in others.

Or perhaps a guilt ridden person, apart from believing God's grace.

As the empathizing party, try looking at your spouse (child/friend/whomever) 

& see what great potential is underneath that weakness.

What is the "other side of the coin"?  

That stubbornness has potential for so much, under the power of Jesus.

That obnoxiousness could have another side
of someone being able to see reasons for joy in all things.

That attention-needy person has potential for strong connection.

When we are grateful for the strengths of the personality, 

we are better able to empathize with the weakness.

And when we show empathy, correction is better received by anyone.

Perhaps empathy is key to a happy, lasting marriage.

And, accountability is a key to a growing, holy marriage.

Whole & Holy, Two equals One

                                                                                       

The two shall become one.
Marriage is an ongoing merging.
The wholeness of two different people, continually coming together in unity.

By wholeness I don't mean perfect.
I mean quite the opposite.
Every bit of those two persons are to come together.
We continually meet together, baring all ourselves to the other,
the dreams, the darkness, the beauty, the struggles.

Marriage is learning to love the wholeness of that other one.
But a marriage with Christ at the center will be two who are becoming more holy.
These two becoming more holy, becoming more united,
are becoming a more accurate reflection of the wholeness of God's character.

Marriage is a mystery.
Whole & Holy, Two equals One.


p.s.  Have you read "Just How Married do you Want to be?"  I've started handing out copies.  You may be next.


photo Source: nicolecfranzen.tumblr.com via Karah on Pinterest

{Sex} Relating or Mating

The pastor was preaching on Proverbs 5.
Do you know the chapter?  It's about sex.
So, as you may expect, the sermon was about the same subject.
One of the points pastor made was, "Sex is more about relating than it is about mating."
My husband gave my hand some squeezes & nudged my shoulder with his.
My whole self felt like shouting out, "Hallelujah!".
But I've never done any thing like that.  I probably never will.
Instead I turned to give my guy a cheek kiss.

This isn't just a rhyming, easy to remember and a little bit cheesy sermon point.
It may be those things.  But, I think it is really profound, too.
I've had it on my mind for the last couple weeks,
thinking about how vast the implications of this statement really are.
Sex is knowing.
To know & be known & still be loved & wanted is what a beautiful marriage is.
Remember the basics of sex?  (Love, honesty, vulnerability, trust, selflessness...)

Source: housebeautiful.com via Sara on Pinterest

Viewing sex as a way of relating more than a biological act will mean:

The hotness of your body does not equal the hotness of your sex.
After the birth of my first child, when I was trying to take it easy
& let my body heal, I made a poor choice in reading material.
Have you heard of the book For Women Only?  I don't really recommend it.
More on that another time.
 But, I also really don't recommend it for reading directly postpartum.
It pretty much fed into all my fears that if men are visual,
 then my less attractive body was going to cause our marriage to take a hit.
I shed more than enough tears over stretch marks & flabby bellies.
I felt a bit of jealousy over prettier women and their mere existence.
I started to wonder if I had to shelter my husband's eyes from other females.
I was already a grieving woman.  I was full of postpartum hormones.
And now I had read a book that made me paranoid about the "visual" nature of men.
I'm not one to keep stuff like this to myself.  I told Scott all about it.
He asked me, do you really think I married you for your body?    
Do you really think you have to be the most gorgeous in the land to keep a hold on my heart?
Do you think my attraction to you is dependent upon you keeping a certain figure?
The answer was & is, NO!
(Did you read the link I shared earlier this week, Beauty vs. Sexuality?  Check it out.)

Realities of life don't have to be an obstacle to your sex life.
Are you worn out?  Stressed out?  Sad?
Do you figure that doesn't make for good sex, so why bother?
I don't agree.  If sex is more about relating than mating,
then you can have a good connection even when
you may think you are in the wrong mood.
Husband & wife should be able to come as they are
& connect with honesty, relating to one another.

Your baggage doesn't make you unworthy.
We all have our own issues that we bring to marriage.  That is reality.
Some may come with heavier baggage than others.
Have you heard the illustrations that are given to Christian youth
in an effort to motivate them to save themselves for marriage?
Things about chewed pieces of gum, a lollipop licked by everyone,
 or a rose with all its petals removed.
I don't like that.  I do believe that virginity is worth saving for marriage!
But the thing is, there is redemption in Jesus.  Forgiveness.
And there should be the same in a Christian marriage union.
Relating well to one another means forgiveness.
Again, come as you are.

Your sex life will not be dependent on your hormones.
Meaning that a desire for connection & unity can be motivation enough.
I know hormones can make you feel more or less interested in this kind of stuff.
But if sex is about relating more than a biological urge for mating,
then your heart & soul can be excited for connection,
even when you hormones may be telling you a different story.

A sex life that is about relating more than mating will contribute 
to a connection outside of the bedroom.
Relating to your spouse with honesty & vulnerability,
giving & receiving love,
sharing secrets between only you two...
How can this not overflow & impact the rest of your relationship?
I remember a moment years ago when I was at breakfast with a dear lifelong friend.
We were single twenty-something young ladies.
She told me what a young married friend had said to her about sex.
"After a little while, it's nothing special.
It's just something you do before you go to sleep at night."
Our virgin selves found this disappointing.
Now as a married woman, I find it heartbreaking.
It sounds like a case of mating, without relating.

What do you think?  
What other implications do you see in the relating vs. mating mindset?

About the Web - Male & Female

Beauty vs. Sexuality  - Hugo Schwyzer
"If a man claims to be able to “look” without lusting, he’s too often accused of denial at best and rank dishonesty at worst. If a woman says she believes men can gaze without carnal desire, we call her foolishly naïve. A self-fulfilling prophecy is created; if men are taught they can’t separate a delight in beauty from a longing for sex, they won’t."

On Being a Kind-of Feminist - by Annie Jones
"It's far more important, to me, that we understand that strength and integrity and boldness and security and sureness of spirit and mind are not masculine, but human, qualities, and that we teach that truth to the women we love."

The Kitchen is Feminine  - Ed Cyzewski

"God wants men to stay out of the kitchen.  Women are the unquestioned authorities in the kitchen...  Who baked the bread when the three strangers stopped by Abraham’s tent? It wasn’t the father of our faith. He didn’t kneed to make the bread since Sarah was around."

Does Chemistry Matter? - Ally Vesterfelt
"I realized that the “chemistry” I felt with certain people said more about me than it did about them, and more than it did about our relationship."

{male & female}

Check out these links & tell us what you think.

Especially link numero uno, y'all.  I think he is so right on.  

I'd love discussion.




(photo source)

About the Web - Effective Stuff

About the web - things I've read & find though provoking & helpful.
What do you think?


Affective is Greater than Effective - B. Rooted
"An effective, well-running marriage routine is not a suitable stand in for tender love; 
neither is sound theology a replacement for deep devotion."  Ruth @ GraceLaced


On Effective Compassion
"Genuine love motivated to action is concerned about the consequence of its action."


On Effective Emotions
"Every day I meet men and women who work so hard at “keeping it together” for the eyes of those around them, rather than working at actually healing the inside."

Effective Education - Practical Pages

“Why would you, a qualified school teacher, homeschool your children?”

Eating Sunscreen - Wellness Mama

Effective Sun Exposure & Skin Health

with more interesting links on the subject, also...

Moira eats & wears coconut oil - a protection from UV rays