Sex and Duty and Bitterness

Have you heard the "Never Say No" rule?

This is often taught in Christian circles in regards to having sex in marriage.

The idea is, it is the duty of the spouse to meet all the sexual desires of their spouse.

I believe sex is a gift to marriage.  For man and wife.

Sometimes it seems people think it is just for the man.
The honest look at relationships seems to make many men and women
both believe that sex is the gift/burden for men.
Often we look at this assessment and say,
"We know that the wife is not that interested.
So, she should just do it out of duty to her husband.
She should act to meet his need."

May I wonder out loud with you all for a moment here?
I wonder if this policy for sex in marriage
can sometimes create more of a rift, than a connection?
Yes, give yourself as a gift, to your spouse.  But not grudgingly!

What if a couple has been applying the policy of sucking it up and having sex,
but, not abiding by, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath"?
(Remember this "policy" is in the Bible.)
What if there are unresolved issues.  Things that are festering.
Bitterness and hurt that is making the wife very uninterested in sex.
If they don't get them out and deal with that and break down the wall of bitterness,
then they will not know the healing, restorative power in their sexual union.
He will just think she doesn't like sex because
that's the way things supposedly are for a woman.
She will become more resentful, feel used
and the wall of bitterness between them gets thicker.

Source: Uploaded by user via Albert on Pinterest

That sexual union becomes just a physical act.
They cannot enjoy the connection, beauty & healing that should be there.
The wife is there in body, but not in spirit.
And, they can both see that she doesn't seem to like sex that much.

Live and love together in a way that your heart is ready to say "Yes!".
(Though, sometimes your body may still have to say "No.")

Do not accept a gift given grudgingly.
First seek to find out why there is no joy.
It will take work, humility, forgiveness and patience.
That's love!
The higher the wall is between you, the harder it will be to tear it down.

Don't leave a wall of bitterness in your marriage.
Don't let the sun go down on your wrath.
No matter how foolish you feel, be honest about the seed of bitterness.
Deal with it and root it out.
Come together in healing and forgiveness and praising God.
God loves a cheerful giver.

{Sex} Relating or Mating

The pastor was preaching on Proverbs 5.
Do you know the chapter?  It's about sex.
So, as you may expect, the sermon was about the same subject.
One of the points pastor made was, "Sex is more about relating than it is about mating."
My husband gave my hand some squeezes & nudged my shoulder with his.
My whole self felt like shouting out, "Hallelujah!".
But I've never done any thing like that.  I probably never will.
Instead I turned to give my guy a cheek kiss.

This isn't just a rhyming, easy to remember and a little bit cheesy sermon point.
It may be those things.  But, I think it is really profound, too.
I've had it on my mind for the last couple weeks,
thinking about how vast the implications of this statement really are.
Sex is knowing.
To know & be known & still be loved & wanted is what a beautiful marriage is.
Remember the basics of sex?  (Love, honesty, vulnerability, trust, selflessness...)

Source: housebeautiful.com via Sara on Pinterest

Viewing sex as a way of relating more than a biological act will mean:

The hotness of your body does not equal the hotness of your sex.
After the birth of my first child, when I was trying to take it easy
& let my body heal, I made a poor choice in reading material.
Have you heard of the book For Women Only?  I don't really recommend it.
More on that another time.
 But, I also really don't recommend it for reading directly postpartum.
It pretty much fed into all my fears that if men are visual,
 then my less attractive body was going to cause our marriage to take a hit.
I shed more than enough tears over stretch marks & flabby bellies.
I felt a bit of jealousy over prettier women and their mere existence.
I started to wonder if I had to shelter my husband's eyes from other females.
I was already a grieving woman.  I was full of postpartum hormones.
And now I had read a book that made me paranoid about the "visual" nature of men.
I'm not one to keep stuff like this to myself.  I told Scott all about it.
He asked me, do you really think I married you for your body?    
Do you really think you have to be the most gorgeous in the land to keep a hold on my heart?
Do you think my attraction to you is dependent upon you keeping a certain figure?
The answer was & is, NO!
(Did you read the link I shared earlier this week, Beauty vs. Sexuality?  Check it out.)

Realities of life don't have to be an obstacle to your sex life.
Are you worn out?  Stressed out?  Sad?
Do you figure that doesn't make for good sex, so why bother?
I don't agree.  If sex is more about relating than mating,
then you can have a good connection even when
you may think you are in the wrong mood.
Husband & wife should be able to come as they are
& connect with honesty, relating to one another.

Your baggage doesn't make you unworthy.
We all have our own issues that we bring to marriage.  That is reality.
Some may come with heavier baggage than others.
Have you heard the illustrations that are given to Christian youth
in an effort to motivate them to save themselves for marriage?
Things about chewed pieces of gum, a lollipop licked by everyone,
 or a rose with all its petals removed.
I don't like that.  I do believe that virginity is worth saving for marriage!
But the thing is, there is redemption in Jesus.  Forgiveness.
And there should be the same in a Christian marriage union.
Relating well to one another means forgiveness.
Again, come as you are.

Your sex life will not be dependent on your hormones.
Meaning that a desire for connection & unity can be motivation enough.
I know hormones can make you feel more or less interested in this kind of stuff.
But if sex is about relating more than a biological urge for mating,
then your heart & soul can be excited for connection,
even when you hormones may be telling you a different story.

A sex life that is about relating more than mating will contribute 
to a connection outside of the bedroom.
Relating to your spouse with honesty & vulnerability,
giving & receiving love,
sharing secrets between only you two...
How can this not overflow & impact the rest of your relationship?
I remember a moment years ago when I was at breakfast with a dear lifelong friend.
We were single twenty-something young ladies.
She told me what a young married friend had said to her about sex.
"After a little while, it's nothing special.
It's just something you do before you go to sleep at night."
Our virgin selves found this disappointing.
Now as a married woman, I find it heartbreaking.
It sounds like a case of mating, without relating.

What do you think?  
What other implications do you see in the relating vs. mating mindset?

About the Web - Male & Female

Beauty vs. Sexuality  - Hugo Schwyzer
"If a man claims to be able to “look” without lusting, he’s too often accused of denial at best and rank dishonesty at worst. If a woman says she believes men can gaze without carnal desire, we call her foolishly naïve. A self-fulfilling prophecy is created; if men are taught they can’t separate a delight in beauty from a longing for sex, they won’t."

On Being a Kind-of Feminist - by Annie Jones
"It's far more important, to me, that we understand that strength and integrity and boldness and security and sureness of spirit and mind are not masculine, but human, qualities, and that we teach that truth to the women we love."

The Kitchen is Feminine  - Ed Cyzewski

"God wants men to stay out of the kitchen.  Women are the unquestioned authorities in the kitchen...  Who baked the bread when the three strangers stopped by Abraham’s tent? It wasn’t the father of our faith. He didn’t kneed to make the bread since Sarah was around."

Does Chemistry Matter? - Ally Vesterfelt
"I realized that the “chemistry” I felt with certain people said more about me than it did about them, and more than it did about our relationship."

{male & female}

Check out these links & tell us what you think.

Especially link numero uno, y'all.  I think he is so right on.  

I'd love discussion.




(photo source)

I Trust You Because... {a love letter}

Dear Scott,

I trust you.  It would be hard not to.

You are a trust-worthy sort of man.  You don't aim to charm, to impress, to attract.
You aim to be honest & true.
(I find that very attractive & rather impressive, by the way.)

You don't speak kindness to me to get something you want.
You speak kindness to me because you love me.
You wash the dishes because you want to serve me.
You tell me you can't believe how lucky you are, because you mean it.
You don't act or speak to control or manipulate.
I trust your motives.  I've always seen you to be a man of integrity.

When you tell me how madly you love me, it is hard to believe.
Only because, I wonder how can you be so gracious to me.
Can your love for me really cover all the multitudes of my sins?
But I trust your sincerity.  I trust your honesty.  I trust your love.

When you tell me all those things you say, about how I look to you -
you know the stuff - the stuff that seems hyperbole to me, or all together not true,
I trust they are true to you.
I hear it in your voice.  I see it in your eyes.
It seems your heart is completely visible to me.
And I trust it.

I trust you because I think I would have to be completely paranoid not to.
I can't help it.

I trust you because I trust that God gave us a good gift in each other.
I trust He will give us enough love & forgiveness to live in honesty together.

I plan to always love you,
Erin

Source: google.com via Lauren on Pinterest

Marriage Letters is a weekly writing project you can find at Amber's place - The Run a Muck.
This week's topic is I Trust You Because...

Art Appreciation

When I was a kid, I always hated tomatoes.
Texture.  Flavor.  Gross.

One day, when I was a teen, I was reading in a food magazine about tomatoes.

I read that for most people it is an acquired taste.

A tomato is something that can grow on you, like coffee or wine.

I decided then that I would try to learn the love of tomatoes.

For my first lesson, I went down to the farmer's market & bought a tomato.

I sliced it up, salted & peppered it.

I think I had this friend with me for encouragement.  She had good taste in food.

I ate it.

And, I loved it.

Lesson learned.

I still love them.

 Really, there were a lot of other things I disliked as a kid.

I was proud to have very specific tastes.
Like, somehow it made me really special to hate so many things.
I only thought dark brown hair was attractive (some self love there?).
I only liked a few flowers.  The rest were kind of "ugly".

And then, I guess I started to grow up a little bit.
Really?  A lily is ugly?

Maybe it was my (sinful) pride,
declaring a good portion of God's creation as not good enough for me.
It would glorify God to appreciate His handy work,
and it would bring me more enjoyment, too.

You know what?
Once I started looking to see what was beautiful,
instead of what was faulty, it wasn't that hard to appreciate more things.
I love seeing so much beauty.
It is everywhere.
There is nothing wrong with acquiring a taste for something (or someone).
Sometimes we just have to let go of our pride.

Maybe that means learning to get along with someone
who really grates on you
(& it seems so hard to see the good).
Maybe it means learning to be attracted to someone who looks different.
(That could include adopting a child who looks different
than you may have imagined your child would look.)
Or it may mean just embracing where God has you right now with contentment,
while you learn to see the beauty in it.

Have you ever seen attraction grow?
What have learned to see beauty in?

The Basics of Sex

This is not a body science lesson.
Let's get to the heart of the issue instead.
I think the basics are things like -
love, honesty, vulnerability, trust, commitment, selflessness.
These are the basic tools you need to take with you to bed.
(But actually, you should try to keep them with you at all times.)

As I said the other day, my friend Linda has been blogging about sex.
I have been impressed by it.
She & I have conversed about it.
We've talked about problems & pain that many deal with in their marriages.
We've prayed about it.
We've read books about it.
I have wanted to be able to write about the subject.
But, it is scary.
Sex is powerful & it affects us SO deeply, either negatively or positively.
It is a delicate matter.  I might say something wrong.  I might hurt someone.
I don't want to.

I think that is the similar issue many couples face.
They don't know how to talk about it.
It is a delicate issue.
They don't want to hurt the other one.
They don't want to be hurt.
How do you even approach the subject?
It is scary.

But, the marriage bed should be a place of safety.
It should be a place where we can show love.
The kind of love that can cast out those fears.

Don't you think the scariest part is the uncovering of your heart?
Open, laid bare, naked.
What if you look foolish?  Needy?  Broken?
What will the other person think?

Can I tell you something?
My husband & I had a great honeymoon.
It was a great beginning for our oneness.
There was uncertainty.  There was learning.
There was pain.  There was patience.

We went to Ireland.  We got married on a Saturday.  We flew out on Monday.
We got off the plane in Dublin & went to the train station.
We barely made it onto the train in time, to head west to Galway.
On that train ride, my body gave us a little wedding present.
My period!

me in Ireland

This gift which was initially unwelcome.
But, it helped to teach us something.
We were learning to talk about hard things.
Things like sex & emotions,
male & female & being different from each other,
needs & understanding each other & the like.

the husband there, too

And it is a conversation we are committed to continuing in together.

We try to speak in love, with honesty.

The more vulnerable & selfless we are, 

the more trust there can be.

(The next good gift we got on our honeymoon
was when I lost my toiletries case on the bus.
Make-up free, hairy legs, smelly armpits,
This is who I am, baby!)

Love Your Neighbor (not just because it is Domestic Violence Awareness month)

Last week I was standing in our little local coffee shop, Second Street Cafe,
waiting for my Dark Chocolate Mocha. 
I was looking at the wall of posters. 
The place were people are allowed to advertise local events & such.

There was a homemade poster, written in purple marker,
telling me that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
The poster maker listed some statistics.
One being - 1 in 4 women has been or will be a victim of
domestic violence during her lifetime.

Sometimes statistics are hard to believe.
Or easy to ignore.
But, I have been shocked to see for myself,
real life people
people who I care about
people who I hardly know
real people who are beaten & abused.
They aren't numbers or statistics to be brushed aside.

There are bloggers & authors writing about living radically.
People want to step out of there comfort zone - into something that matters.
People are tired of the comfortable middle American lifestyle.
Life in your suburban middle class American town
may not be as pretty as people want to think.
There is real pain everywhere. 
Life may not be as comfortable for your neighbor as you assume.

I want to reach out to my neighbors.
It's another aspect of not treating people as objects.
Those faces I see everyday are people with hurting hearts.
I know them well enough to know that.
I don't want to ignore their pain.

I know that there are women around me being treated like objects.
I know they are being abused.
It is hard to know how to help them.
But, I know I need to help them.

I don't want to pretend like I think they are happy & carefree.
I don't want to ignore their pain.
I am not quite sure where to start.
Maybe real conversation is a good place.

I want them to know I care.
I want them to feel like my home is a safe place.
I want them to know what real love is

I want to shed some light on the darkness of domestic violence,
by letting them know that I know & I care.
Darkness needs to be exposed by the light of truth.
The love of Jesus doesn't hid away wrong & pretend it is not there.

I bet I am not the only one who has neighbors
who are affected by domestic violence.
You may not realize it now.
But, you may know people who are being abused
& living in deep pain.
Maybe next door.
Maybe next to you in the church pew.
Maybe your regular grocery store clerk.
Let's step outside of our house & get to know the people around us.

Love your neighbor.
Show them you care.
Stand up & defend the abused.



**  I read today about The Anderson Crew's "Embrace the Camera" challenge &
decided to take part.  I am not one to usually embrace the camera for myself. 
I usually just take candid photos of the kids. 
I am glad I did this.  I had fun & so did the kids. 
They liked having me hold them for a photo.
They all giggled when they saw how their picture turned out. 
It was good to embrace the camera.
Thanks Anderson Crew!

People as Objects

Okay.  I'm not quite sure how to write about this.
But, I'm gonna try.
The objectification of people is a problem on so many levels.

I think I'll come at it as a mom right now.
But, any person could be having these thoughts, I would think.
Male or female.  Parent or non parent.

There are so many ugly things that we are bombarded with in our culture.
(Media mocking celebrity bodies, plastic surgery addictions, 
"shacking up" to give the relationship a test run, pornography & 
widely posted publications & ads that come pretty close to porn...)
The question is how to counter them rightly.

How do you teach your children to dress modestly?
How do you teach them to have a healthy (but not haughty)
confidence in the way God made their bodies?
How do you teach them not to gawk at all the magazines in the grocery store aisle?
How do you teach them the importance of saving their sexuality for marriage?

I am not going to give them a list of specific rules for their wardrobe.
I am not going to quickly turn around every magazine cover at the checkout.
I am not going to pretend like there is no such thing as sex.
I am not going to keep everyone in the house all day, with the curtains drawn.

The physical body is not bad.
Our sexuality is not bad.
God made both very good.
(Although they have both been marred by our sin.)

There is nothing wrong with seeing that people are beautiful.
God made them that way.
It is wrong to objectify that person
& disrespect that person.
They are made in God's image.

We can't separate our physical body from the rest of ourselves,
and think it is okay to treat our sexuality casually,
like it is just an object.
As people, all our parts are intertwined.
The physical matters.

It is wrong to use other people,
and it is wrong to let them use you.

Before we teach our kids anything, we need to know what we believe
& know how to speak & model it to them.

Here are ways that I try to practice respect.

• I shouldn't flaunt or reveal myself to others, disrespecting myself & my husband & God in whose image I am created.  God tells me to be humble.
• In seeing that another person is beautiful, I should be glad for them, rather than feel envy of comparison or lusting for something that is not mine.
• If I see someone choosing to make themselves an object for other people to use, I should hope for them to understand their own worth, rather than just figure "they'll just get what they deserve".
• I will not assume that because "men are visual" they are all lustful animals.  I will understand that a man can appreciate beauty & be honoring at the same time.
• I will be grateful for the way God made me, whether or not certain features of mine are currently "in vogue" in our culture.
• I will accept natural aging & not wish that surgeons could "repair" my body as it changes.

How about you?  How do you teach your kids purity & respect?

How do you try to counter the 
cultural bombardment of treating people as objects?

Forever a Student

It's Monday. Here's my thought on marriage relationships.  Keep learning new things about your spouse.  Don't start believing you know it all!  You can never know everything about someone.  A few weeks back my friend Melissa said that good ways to ignite conversation is to ask a question.  I think that is a great point.

A lot of the time my husband & I may be able to guess what the other one is thinking.  Often one of us will say something, and the other will say, "I was just thinking the same thing!"  And then we'll say something really cheesy & romantic, like, "that's because we are one."  


But, really, the truth is, we can't read each other's minds.  That's good.  Only God knows that much about us.
There will always be something new you can learn about your spouse.  I am sure of it.  Even if your married to someone really boring.

Ask him his opinion.  Ask him stuff about his childhood.  Ask him about his dreams.  Ask him how you can pray for him.  Ask him what excites him.

Sometimes your studying can be silent, too.  You don't need to always ask questions.  That may get annoying if you ask too many questions.  Listening is something that a student needs to do a lot of.  Listen to your spouse.  And learn!

If you want to be positive that there will always be something new to be learnt about you, then keep being a student in all of life.  Be a student of your spouse.  But, be learning other new stuff, too.  That will make you that much broader of a person for your spouse to learn about.  They will have to study you harder.  I think it will make the school of your marriage relationship more exciting.

Alright.  Go do your homework.

Marriage Talk Monday: Consider the Other

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, 

but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself;  

do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others."

This passage from the book of Philippians is extremely applicable to marriage.  Knowing this is how our marriages should look & getting our marriages to look this way are two different things.
Here's a try at applying it to my marriage in my day to day life.

I'm so tired tonight.  I need sleep.  I don't want to be the one to get out of bed & take the tot to the bathroom.
 My husband is tired, too.  He needs sleep, too.  If I roll myself out of bed I can look out for his interests.

He's late coming home from work.  And, I'm having a hard day.
I need to put away the selfish self-pity attitude.  It is in conceit that I just assume that my day has been harder, or that my needs should be put first.  Look out for the interest of others.


We both have something we want to do on Saturday, without the kids.  I offer to stay home with the kids & let him go do his thing.  I then feel resentment that he accepted my offer.
My decision wan't selfless sacrifice.  Playing the bitter martyr is self focused conceit.  I acted like I care about him first, but I really was still counting my own interests as the most important.


I criticize his method of doing something, or some new idea he has.
Putting myself first again!  God says I need to regard Scott as more important than myself & be humble.



  

Real Life Romance

My friend Nini is often telling all her friends to go read the Metropolitan Mama Blog. I tried to ignore her for a while. But, she is really persistent. You know, posting about it a lot. Man. So, I finally went over there when Nini sent out the link for the 2009 top 10 blog posts, and told us all to read it. I was inspired by this one about whether or not date night is important to a good marriage.
I love romance. I love dates. I love flowers. I love kisses. I love holding hands. I love candles. I love weekend getaways. (Girlhood friends - "How romantical! Right?")
But. I love real life. And, love needs to be real. And not everything is rosy & romantical. I want my love to press on through the rough & come out stronger. Even if there isn't much opportunity for a lot of the romantical stuff.

Date nights are good. But, it is even better to be able to find the love & romance at home & in the every day; especially when a date isn't possible. My husband is showing he loves me when he wants to take me out for a special time alone, just the two of us. But, if I require the special outings, to feel loved, than I am not loving.

I do believe that it is a loving thing for me to try to be clean & attractive for my husband. But, I love that he loves me, even when I didn't take a shower that day. Or even brush my hair. Really. My husband still even tells me I am beautiful (with complete sincerity. No smirking or searching.)

I have a real life love story on that subject. Scott & I were on our honeymoon. I packed beauty items. Make-up, Perfume, razor & shaving cream, toothbrush, deodorant... They were all tidily stowed away in a marvelous train case that looked something like this one. It belonged to my parents. They were so kind as to let me take it. And then, on a bus in Ireland, 4 days after saying "I do" to my new husband, I lost it. I left it under my seat. We got off the bus. Checked into our Inn. Oh. No make-up. No moisturizer. No deodorant. No razor. No toothbrush?! And, we were in a little town. There was no drug store or anything of the kind. We had to go 2 days sharing a toothbrush. My husband didn't think it was a big deal. But, I was so mad & grouchy & whiny about it (not the toothbrush specifically. The whole situation). And then, when we were in the "big city" I still couldn't find any of the toiletries that I wanted. There was nothing I liked & I had to settle for mediocre.
Hmmm.... I wonder if a good attitude would have been a better accessory than a good hand lotion. It's nice to have soft skin. But, didn't God say that beauty is vain? And, to let your adornment be that of a meek & quiet spirit? I can show I love my husband by trying to look nice for him. But, if me looking nice is a necessity, than it isn't love. And, if I feel like I need to look nice, than I don't understand what true worth is.

Show love by actually loving. Not by a set of marriage tips & rules from how-to books. ("Don't have kids right away - enjoy one another" uh... so, once the kids come do we stop enjoying one another? thanks for the lame tip.) Show love by considering the other person above yourself. You know - be selfless. Those are things that Jesus says.

Look for what matters to your spouse. Look for where they need your support. Being thoughtful means actually thinking about the other person; and loving them the way they need to be loved. Show your spouse that they are the most important person to you. Do you show your husband that you love him more than you love the kids? You can do that without going on a date or wearing an expensive dress.

Romance is nice. But, it doesn't necessarily show the love. Someone can take you on dates & bring you flowers & light candles & not really love you. The one who is there, with you, through all the times when there is no chance to wine & dine, is the one who loves you. I do want to keep living a romantical life. But, it needs to be a real-life one.