Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sex and Duty and Bitterness

Have you heard the "Never Say No" rule?
This is often taught in Christian circles in regards to having sex in marriage.
The idea is, it is the duty of the spouse to meet all the sexual desires of their spouse.

I believe sex is a gift to marriage.  For man and wife.
Sometimes it seems people think it is just for the man.
The honest look at relationships seems to make many men and women
both believe that sex is the gift/burden for men.
Often we look at this assessment and say,
"We know that the wife is not that interested.
So, she should just do it out of duty to her husband.
She should act to meet his need."

May I wonder out loud with you all for a moment here?
I wonder if this policy for sex in marriage
can sometimes create more of a rift, than a connection?
Yes, give yourself as a gift, to your spouse.  But not grudgingly!

What if a couple has been applying the policy of sucking it up and having sex,
but, not abiding by, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath"?
(Remember this "policy" is in the Bible.)
What if there are unresolved issues.  Things that are festering.
Bitterness and hurt that is making the wife very uninterested in sex.
If they don't get them out and deal with that and break down the wall of bitterness,
then they will not know the healing, restorative power in their sexual union.
He will just think she doesn't like sex because
that's the way things supposedly are for a woman.
She will become more resentful, feel used
and the wall of bitterness between them gets thicker.

That sexual union becomes just a physical act.
They cannot enjoy the connection, beauty & healing that should be there.
The wife is there in body, but not in spirit.
And, they can both see that she doesn't seem to like sex that much.

Live and love together in a way that your heart is ready to say "Yes!".
(Though, sometimes your body may still have to say "No.")

Do not accept a gift given grudgingly.
First seek to find out why there is no joy.
It will take work, humility, forgiveness and patience.
That's love!
The higher the wall is between you, the harder it will be to tear it down.

Don't leave a wall of bitterness in your marriage.
Don't let the sun go down on your wrath.
No matter how foolish you feel, be honest about the seed of bitterness.
Deal with it and root it out.
Come together in healing and forgiveness and praising God.
God loves a cheerful giver.


Holly D. said...

I couldn't agree with you more! Love builds each other up: not tear them apart.

Stef said...


Dina said...

And sometimes that desire for sex is what instigates the forgiveness, a desire to get past what divides for what gloriously unites! My husband often says that once that intimacy is enjoyed, all the negatives or disputes melt away in comparison to the power of such expressed love. Good thoughts, E!

Erin said...

Yes, Dina! I love - " a desire to get past what divides for what gloriously unites"