We all know everyone is unique,
just like flowers & snowflakes & leaves &
God is so creative like that.
But, when it comes to tailoring our training &
mentorship of our kids to them each individually,
it can get tricky.
What about fairness & equality?
We don't want them to believe we are favoring one over the other.
And there is the truth that we are all human & have much "sameness".
They are all made in God's image.
They are all sinners, in need of a Savior.
They all need to be taught the Truths of God's Word.
They all need to be loved & provided for.
I know many people read this verse differently, but,
my pastor said he believes that when
Proverbs 22:6 says
"train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will not depart from it."
It is saying to train your child toward his own individual way, his natural bent.
We should understand our particular child &
encourage them in their God-given strengths.
Scott & I have been reading The Connected Child.
It is written particularly to adoptive or foster parents.
It talks about reaching a traumatized child.
It offers help in how to bond with a deeply wounded child,
who has seen a lot of pain.
It's a great book. We are trying to soak it all in.
But, learning about all the special needs for the orphan is a little intimidating.
And, it has caused us to rethink some things.
We cannot parent a wounded child the same way we parent a nurtured child.
What will that look like?
I worry a bit that it will cause tension between the children.
But, the truth is, no two children are the same.
One size does not fit all.
And, each one has their own special needs that need to be met.
The big thing that we have been rethinking is spanking.
By posing these questions, I am NOT trying to say that spanking is always wrong.
But, if spanking is not appropriate for a traumatized child,
then there are things to rethink.
Do you believe that spanking must be done,
in order to train your children according to the Bible?
Not that spanking is always bad.
But, that it is not necessary to parent Biblically.
The thing that got me even thinking in that direction is this -
If Christians believe that spanking is necessary to Biblical parenting,
than how do the Christians fit into the adoption & foster parenting world?
If the Church teaches that spanking is the only way,
then who should parent the abandoned & abused child?
Are we really going to leave that for institutions?
Or only to non-Christians?
God calls us to stand up for the fatherless.
He says that it is pure & undefiled religion to care for the widow & orphan.
This doesn't mean that all Christians should be adoptive parents.
But, everyone has a part.
Each member of the body should stand up for the fatherless
in the way they are called.
If the concern of having a "different" child in your life is a concern,
I challenge you to rethink that.
If you think spanking is "the only way", therefore, you can't adopt,
I would encourage you to rethink that.
One size isn't going to fit all.
(Speaking of fitting, why don't maternity pants ever fit right?!
I am so tired of tugging them up.)
13 comments:
Just a couple of cents...I've known several Christian families who have adopted kids from seriously broken homes (physical abuse, substance abuse, parental abandonment, multiple foster care situations, etc.). One was an international adoption, and the others were in the country. They all spanked their kids. Their children are now at all ages (grown, high school, and little), and their kids are all faithful and fruitful.
I agree that kids come from lots of different situations with adoption, but if you'd ever like to talk to these amazing parents I would be happy to hook you up!
Thanks for this post Erin, LOTS of food for thought. Even for those of us who aren't adopting. Every child IS different. Is spanking effective/necessary/the best option for each child?
We have been discussing this issue quite a bit lately, this has given me more to think about and discuss.
One thing I found particularly interesting in the article you linked are all the different words for children and the ages that accompany them. And then the fact that Proverbs isn't referring to young children in all the texts people quote to support spanking.
Definitely food for thought.
love it! fantastic blog post and great article - I've heard most of the points in the article before, but, never all pulled together in such a great non-emotional way. thanks for challenging people to research more on this topic.
This is very interesting. It is good to be challenged!
A couple of comments-as to Brittany's comments,I do not disagree. However, the important thing is to really look at the Scriptures. God is gracious, and I have seen many children raised in a variety of ways and remain faithful. And I do believe that loving,godly homes and families are the most important factor in a child's life.
Also, I think that most parents today do not spend the amount of intense time in raising their children that may have been happening in that culture. Without that,you cannot truly discipline with good results.
We have not spanked alot,but I do think that unless I had been more devoted to keeping each child with me constantly,I would actually fear for their safety,because I do think that for young children, a spanking is a quick effective way to teach the obedience that can keep them from harm.
That being said, there is much to consider here,but I think it goes way beyond to spank or not. I really appreciated the references to the original languages. I would be interested to know if the authors are personally knowledgeable in them. I may have missed that.
Whew, lots to think about! I almost gave up Erin, but because you are my friend and recommended it, I read through the article! Lots I don't agree with, seems to be picking and choosing "research" to back up their conclusions on why spanking is bad. Now I'm really curious about what the people who defend spanking have to say about the Hebrew words this family has defined. From the little I've observed, it is overwhelming how much there is to think about in regards to parenting an adopted or foster child. You and Scott are more faithful than most I know! Whew! I'm afraid I'll have trouble sleeping tonight!
Sara - I myself do not believe spanking to be bad necessarily. I know the authors of that article don't spank. But, I found their look at the Biblical texts to be thought-provoking.
Mom- thanks for your comment! I love it!
I'm excited with you and Scott on this adoption adventure you're taking! I've never had a close friend adopt a baby/child, so it will be fun to get to watch you guys go through this. We have several families in our church who have just begun the process as well.
I'm sure its going to force you guys to have to re-think a lot about parenting & more since sadly, the legal system has a lot to say about how you parent ;-)
I'm pretty sure once you adopt though, its your family and you can do as you feel God leading you to do.
How far along are you in the 'paper pregnancy'? Have you done home studies and such or are you at the very beginning. We're praying for you guys!
Hi Erin! I so appreciate your honesty and candor. Something tells me that we'd get along wonderfully in-person. You have a beautiful heart and you so obviously love God.
As you know, we choose not to spank in our family. My husband is a pastor and, after studying the text, we have both prayerfully and carefully come to the conclusion that spanking is not a Biblical concept.
After we decided upon that, we asked ourselves: "What other reasons are there to spank?" And, for us, they all came up lacking.
P.S. I love the photos that accompany this post.
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
@ Stef - Yes, once you adopt, it is your family to raise as you believe you should. That is my point. Would it be wise to spank an troubled child, right after bringing them into our family. No one is telling us what we can & cannot do.
We are not very far in the process. We are doing "homework" & homestudy meetings. We won't complete that part until after our baby is born...
@ Stephanie, you should visit us once you get rolling in your RV! We live only 10 minutes away from Nini & her family! :)
Sara - I myself do not believe spanking to be bad necessarily. I know the authors of that article don't spank. But, I found their look at the Biblical texts to be thought-provoking.
Thanks for this post Erin, LOTS of food for thought. Even for those of us who aren't adopting. Every child IS different. Is spanking effective/necessary/the best option for each child?
We have been discussing this issue quite a bit lately, this has given me more to think about and discuss.
One thing I found particularly interesting in the article you linked are all the different words for children and the ages that accompany them. And then the fact that Proverbs isn't referring to young children in all the texts people quote to support spanking.
Definitely food for thought.
Mom- thanks for your comment! I love it!
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