Monday, March 22, 2010

Commonality May Take Work

In an effort to make the blog more cheesy, I am turning Mondays into Marriage Talk Monday.  Okay?  So, let's talk it up.

I was reading this little Yahoo article on cheap date nights.  I thought some were pretty clever.  Like, I never would have thought of #2.  But, it sounds like a fun date, especially if you don't know anyone in the game or stands.
On the topic of dates, or even whether dates are beneficial or not, I was thinking that the main point is connecting with your spouse.  Working on your oneness bond.

Two couples can do the exact same thing for their date nights.  Each couple can follow the "rules" that many marriage counselors may share - Take time to be with one another & don't talk about kids or the house or work.  The first couple might have a great time & tell everyone else how beneficial the date was for their relationship.  They feel connected & recharged.  But, the second couple went away feeling no more close, no more refreshed.  They felt like the date was boring & a failure.

Do you ever struggle with finding something to talk about?  Maybe life just seems so mundane & there is nothing new to say?  Maybe you are in baby daze, with very little sleep & very little energy to think about much.  Maybe every thing that is interesting to you, isn't interesting to your spouse & the other way around, too.

Seek for commonality.  Work toward it.  Pursue one another's interests.  Seek oneness.  Maybe that means learning about something you thought you had zero interest in.  I don't mean that everything you do should be together, or that everything your spouse takes interest in, you should, too.  But, if you are of the stubborn variety, like myself, who likes to define yourself but what you don't do & don't like, maybe it is time to consider "compromising your personality".
For example, I don't "believe" in running.  You know, for exercise.  It is bad for me.  That's my belief.  If I were married to a runner, who wanted to run with me, I might have to reconsider & compromise my beliefs.  Thankfully, I am not married to a runner.

Anyway.  My main point is, actively pursue good conversation with your spouse.  Work at it.  Sometimes, it might be hard.  How about when day after day you are barely getting enough sleep to safely make it through each day?  You go through the day in a daze, trying to be patient with your little kiddos, not thinking about much of anything else.  I have been through lots of those.  Then, when the day is winding down & Scott and I get a chance to talk, I don't really have anything to say.  "How was your day, Honey?"  Tiring.  "What did you guys do?"  Not much.  You know, feed the kids, cleaned up after it, shopped for food, made dinner  How was your day?  "Tiring.  Just worked on reports all day at the office."  End of conversation.  I had nothing else in my head to talk about.

So, I've been there.  I didn't want to be there, though.  I purposed to do something about it.  I tried to listen to talk radio when I was out in the car, instead of music.  The topic of the radio show would give me something to talk to Scott about. Or, you can listen to a sermon CD.  Or an audio book. Read an article on Crosswalk.com.  They are short.  There are new ones all the time. Conversation food.
Learn something about common interests you share.  Purpose to work on your conversation.  I think being able to talk about meaningful & interesting stuff with your spouse might be step one to successful date.

What are your ideas to ignite conversation?






10 comments:

Holly D. said...

I love this post Erin! Ryan and I love going on "dates" as often as possible. We, however, love talking about ALL things including our kids and Ryan's work.
I too believe one needs to make an effort to learn more about your spouses interests even if you're "not that in to it".

I'm looking forward to more Marriage Talk Mondays!

Stef said...

I sometimes *wish* I had this "not knowing what to talk about" issue. You know I am quite the talker ;-)
Jason is a big talker too, so for us, the problem of not knowing what to say is rare. For me the issue lies in dealing with the self centeredness of "his day couldn't have been as hard as mine, so I will punish him with my bad mood when he gets home." That's what I've been working on this past month; meeting him at the door, with a very cheerful greeting and appreciating the hard work I KNOW he is doing for 8+ hours away from the home.

The going out on dates things... I think, if you can afford to get away together, even for just a few hours, do it. Its the same reason dating each other before you got married was so fun and romantic. Little trips out together are the best. A few weeks ago Jase and I grabbed coffee and went to the nearby lake and just sat for a couple hours and gabbed. We talked about anything and everything - just like back when we were dating and had very few cares :) Its fun to walk around, just the two of us, holding hands, maybe giving an uninterrupted smooch every now and again. I love it. And its always fresh reminders to me of how madly in love with my man I am and how much he still likes to date me, his wife of 6 years, mother to his 3 kids :)

But I know there have been plenty of times when we cannot afford a sitter (this is when family comes in handy!) and couldn't afford to go out and spend any money... so we would create fun dates at home, after kids were tucked in bed. A board game, there are books couples can get with fun romantic game-like ideas, Jason loves to read to me, watching movies together and then staying up for hours discussing the movie :) and we have a tradition where every Sunday night, after kids are in bed, we pour glasses of wine and go sit on the porch and sip and chat. Its a good way to end the week. Since moving up here where its much colder at night, we've taken these dates to the back deck, by the fire pit :)

I often forget that not all couples got to be best friends for 10 years prior to marriage... but I agree with you, even though commonality might take work for some, its possible for all.

Being super creative with your spouse is SO fun! I liked this post, Erin. Good reminders.

Stef said...

also, I don't think this idea is cheesy at all! when it comes to marriages, we can all benefit from spurring one another to love and good deeds, right?!

Melissa Joy said...

I enjoyed this, Erin; your thoughts were well put.

Ideas to ignite conversation? Hmm, I guess for us, making sure that we *do* things together gives us things to talk about. He participates in things I like (gardening, walking, yoga) and I participate in things he likes (disc golf, ultimate frisbee, board games) - and those give us fun things to do together as well as give us common things to talk about (besides the daily things of work & home, which I believe are also important to talk about on a daily basis). Of course, as far as talking about "deeper" things... we talk about books we read, sermons, Bible study discussion, child rearing, etc. We have found that simply asking questions (keep asking more) of one another is one of the best ways to delve deeper into conversation with one another, and to remain deep in one another's lives.
This will be a fun weekly subject!

LindaFaye said...

Sean and I love to talk theology. I know, sounds odd. But it's our life. We love it. Also, reading a good book adds fuel for good talks. We have never had many common interests as far as hobbies, so that's been interesting and he IS a runner. I am not. But it's not something he's felt we need to do together. Phew!

Steph said...

another great post Erin. Thanks for doing it and giving really good things to think about!

Deb said...

really enjoyed this post as well... I will be coming back for more!

Krista said...

Good points Erin, commonality does take work sometimes. I now play computer games, listen to talk radio, tinker with coding, blog, use twitter, eat sushi, etc all because those are things Nick likes and so I gave them a try. He too has tried many things because he knows I like them. In the end, we have lots to do/talk about all because we love each other and are willing to try what the other one loves.

As far as igniting conversation, you mentioned most of mine already. One other one I thought of are those "conversation starter" question cards. Some of them are entirely stupid, but some lead to interesting conversation!

Deb said...

really enjoyed this post as well... I will be coming back for more!

Melissa Joy said...

I enjoyed this, Erin; your thoughts were well put.

Ideas to ignite conversation? Hmm, I guess for us, making sure that we *do* things together gives us things to talk about. He participates in things I like (gardening, walking, yoga) and I participate in things he likes (disc golf, ultimate frisbee, board games) - and those give us fun things to do together as well as give us common things to talk about (besides the daily things of work & home, which I believe are also important to talk about on a daily basis). Of course, as far as talking about "deeper" things... we talk about books we read, sermons, Bible study discussion, child rearing, etc. We have found that simply asking questions (keep asking more) of one another is one of the best ways to delve deeper into conversation with one another, and to remain deep in one another's lives.
This will be a fun weekly subject!