Something that I do find interesting is that one of my Marriage Letters gets visits on a regular basis. "I trust you because". This post is visited via people doing a search on words like, "I trust you" or "trust and love".
Trust really is crucial to bonding. Love grows in the context of trust. I hear that people who have "trust issues" have a hard time in relationship. This might be a partial truth. But, I think this mostly has to do with the relationship. Trust is learned, only in the context of relationship. Relational trust cannot be learned by one person, unless there is another one whom they are learning to trust. To trust is to Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone (or thing).
Since my marriage letter about trust continues to get hits, I've gone back to read it several times lately. I think the summary of why I trust my husband so much would be, because when I have doubts, he allows me to probe into them. He tells me and shows me why he can be found trustworthy. My trust for him is not just because I am a hopeful, optimistic person. I think my trust for him is more about him, than it is about me. My trust for him has been building on years of testing.
Yes. Testing. Not the sort of test that is pass or fail. Not the sort of thing where I question my husband to try to put him in a hard spot. And yet, sometimes the testing in our relationship of trust can be painful. It can be confusing, as we both reach out to understand what the other one is trying to communicate. When I find my husband to be trustworthy, that doesn't mean he always comes out looking perfect, either. To the contrary, really. We learn to trust each other more when we tell the truth, even and especially about our struggles and weaknesses. Trust is built on honesty and truth, not on perfection. But, as we keep bringing forth questions and doubts and the things we wonder about ("should I trust you here?") and the answers are honest, we can keep building up the confidence of our mutual love.
Have you ever felt like you should not bother your husband with "too many emotions"? Have you been told that there are certain questions that are just too silly, or too invasive to ask a husband? Go over here and read this list of "5 questions you should never ask your husband". Tell me, have you asked questions like this before? What do you think? Always bad and foolish to bring your worries and insecurities into the open, or can it be healing and productive?
Us? We've discussed each questions extensively. And not in an emotionless, I'm-just-curious sort of fashion. Sometimes I cried, and sometimes he was frustrated, wondering why I questioned his integrity. Trust is built on honesty, not on keeping the hard things out of conversations. We trust the integrity of something, once it is tested and stills holds strong and true.
I don't see how this sort of hesitancy will keep your fears at bay, and it may rob your husband of being able to tell you more about what it thinks about such things. You risk loosing out on a great trust test, if you are afraid to ask hard questions. You will miss out on both of you being able to sharpen each other and grow through your different understanding of things.
Our relationship of trust has been built upon many honest answers, many earnest efforts of vulnerability, many trials and testings. So far, I keep finding more and more reasons to trust that I am married to a trustworthy man. He says he finds me to be a woman whom he can trust, too. May it only increase.
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| photo somewhat unrelated, but here is us at Fort Baker, San Francisco. |
