Friday, February 26, 2010

Flashback Friday

This flashback is on the somber, teary side. It's 5 years old. It's something that has been on my mind lately.

5 years ago I was a newlywed wife, newly pregnant, newly grieving. This picture is us Scott & I, a couple weeks before the birth & death of our first child.

February, 5 years ago, began with me on serious bedrest. My new husband lay on the floor next to the couch every night, trying to sleep, but wondering why I was bleeding so much & hoping I wouldn't die. After a week of bedrest, we had an ultrasound. We didn't find the specific answer to why I was bleeding. But, we found out something else. We found out our baby had something called Anencephaly. And, we were told it is 100% fatal.

We were shocked, stunned. We had never heard of this. What was it? It is fatal for sure? Was the ultrasound tech right?

He was right. This was really happening to us. Our baby was not going to live. We were greatly grieved. There is much I could say about grief. But, that is perhaps for another time.

What I have been thinking about is something a little different. I have been thinking about, when we are face to face with great troubles, our priorities are often re-ordered.

Ours were. It didn't bother me anymore if Scott wore his muddy boots into the house, or emptied dirt from his pant cuff onto my clean floor. Morning sickness wasn't something I complained about. I was glad for it. We were able to see things from an eternal perspective. We had a very limited time with our dear baby. We needed to cherish it. Why grumble about the trivial?

I thought that this new perspective was a blessing that we had to keep. That now we would always be well aware of having our priorities straight. But, how quickly we forget. I don't forget Gabriel. Each time we find out that I am pregnant, we wonder if this new baby is okay, wonder if this new life will be so short as our first child's.

I remember certain things.

But, it was way too easy for me to forget to keep that eternal perspective. I get upset with my kids for squealing too loud & waking the baby. And, at that moment, I forget to rejoice that I have happy, healthy children. I get irritated when juice is spilled all over the floor I just mopped, and then stepped in and tromped all over the place.

I read this birth story yesterday. And, while reading more of this woman's blog, I got a good reminder from her.

I pray that God will keep me more & more mindful of what matters.


laura said...

Erin, thank you so much for this post. It's a timely reminder for me right now - I've been especially grumble-y lately.
I read that birth story just the other night and was entirely unprepared for where it ended up (someone just said "Read this amazing birth story and bring your kleenex")...At the end, I was left absolutely sobbing at my keyboard (for the record, the last time I cried was...a year ago?? I don't cry a lot) - it was so moving and such a major reality check. I am trying to incorporate this (more eternal perspective) with my's so easy for me to get caught up in the little things with them and I know I need to slow down and just love on them the way they are now (instead of freaking out so much about things like not cleaning up toys).
Thank you for sharing this with everyone.

Melissa Joy said...

Wow Erin... Like I needed one more excuse to cry tonight.
But thank you.
For sharing your beautiful photo and your heart, & that link.
I love to savor the moments we have, and the blessings, both bitter & purely sweet.

Much, much love to you.

Stef said...

this was beautiful, Erin. Very beautiful.

Diane Garaway said...

Thank you for sharing this, Erin. A hard providence that you and Scott walked through with grace and courage,an inspiration to many.

Krista said...

Thank you for this reminder Erin of how precious life is, now matter how long God gives us with that person. I think of Gabriel often, always with many tears. He is always a good reminder to me of exactly what you posted about, and I really needed to hear that this week. I have been struggling with Elijah and Elena's whining, and really been getting easily irritated and frustrated... so thank you for sharing and putting things back into perspective for me.

Brittany Martin said...

That picture of you both reminds me of what a godly example you guys were of both grief and joy in the Lord at that time. Now, after several miscarriages I'm reminded that God knows and loves those children boundlessly more than I could, since I never knew them, but He does. Thank you for setting a wonderful example in your attitude during that difficult time!

Nini said...

Erin, thank you for posting this. And for the powerful reminder. Praying for you now.

LindaFaye said...

Erin, I have found myself a few times this week mentioning you to someone in conversation. I continue to find more reasons to admire you and the way you respond to life. It's encouraging to say the least. I see a Christlike confidence in you that makes you amazingly attractive and easy to be around. Thank you for following Jesus and being a blessing both deliberately and by default of just being you.

P and J Garaway said...

thank you for sharing that Erin. you are an amazing example of a godly woman. i appreciate you so much and just want you to know you inspire me.

Nini said...

Erin, thank you for posting this. And for the powerful reminder. Praying for you now.

Team Garaway said...

thank you for sharing that Erin. you are an amazing example of a godly woman. i appreciate you so much and just want you to know you inspire me.